Usually I avoid off-topic posts, especially if there is a risk of "turning off" possible clients. But I'm compelled - this must be done. I'm going to just jump right in and help a large majority of you out with some simple tactics in hopes of reducing the current stupidity level of drivers in the greater Phoenix area. This information especially applies to people who drive on the US60 or I-10 freeways.
Lange Changing in “Stop and Go” Traffic...If traffic is completely backed up, don't bother weaving in and out of lanes because you are not going to make any real progress. Instead, you will just slow everything down exponentially. For the dorks driving around in Honda Civics with huge, oversized mufflers - this means you! Quit watching "The Fast and the Furious" and pick a lane for crying out loud. This might keep you from getting shot, causing an accident, and possibly save you money on traffic tickets and insurance rates. Seriously, I care about you. Help me, help you.
Lane Changing in Normal Conditions....For those of you who think you have a right to drive in the left lane while there is nobody in front of you and there are people passing and tailgating you -- you do not have that right. Legally sure you do, but morally you don't. Be a team player and get out of the way, or consider the outside possibility that you just might be going too damn slow. Either way, move if you can. Please. This is especially important in the summer time when hell actually has cooler weather than Phoenix, and people road rage. Also, you'll help keep traffic streaming and you'll reduce your chances of getting shot or causing an accident. This rule especially applies to minivans, lowriders, and people with Minnesota license plates. Oops, and I forgot the bluehairs - you guys too.
Next...Cell phone users. Most of you can't walk and chew gum at the same time, so please don't try talking on the phone and driving. Again, I care about your safety. If you think that you are not one of those people, you definitely are one of those people. At the very least, concede the possibility that you might be driving erratically and keep your mind on the road...that is, if you have a mind. I sort of get the feeling that most of you are just government paid drones out there driving around aimlessly as part of a vast conspiracy to induce road rage. Anyway, I digress. The point is: keep your eyes and mind on the road. I'm sure this is mission impossible for most of you, so just don't answer the phone. You might even want to consider turning off the radio too, but that's optional at this point. If you continue to drive like an idiot while talking on your cell phone, many of us are going to have to buy a cell-phone jammers for our cars (like many of us bring to restaurants to fend of the rude SOBs who can't go 20 minutes with a phone conversation during dinner time).
Passing...one nice thing about multiple lanes is that you can pass people who are driving slower than the rate of speed you prefer. Of course, there would be less of this problem if everyone subscribed to my previous suggestions. Either way, if you do decide to pass someone, DO NOT pass and then slow down. This especially applies to the idiots driving through Tempe with your ASU stickers, and the Honda Civics with the huge, fart-can mufflers -- which nobody thinks looks cool by the way. Those mufflers make you look like Ruprect with the cork on the fork eating your applesauce. Pass and maintain speed; don't slow back down. Again, you will reduce your chances of getting shot during the summer time and it will make you a better person in general I think.
Entering the freeway...INCREASE YOUR SPEED as you are entering and merging onto the freeway!!! Think of it like this: you are an airline pilot and you are heading down the runway for takeoff. If you don't get your speed up enough, you are going to crash and have 100s of people smoked on the ground. You should at least hit the speed limit BEFORE you actually merge onto the freeway. This is definitely the #1 cause of traffic congestion. If you ignore everything else on this post, at least subscribe to this rule. Please.
Exiting the freeway...Don't slow down until you hit the off ramp. It's really that simple. If you have graduated from high school and/or have graduated from VB6 to the .NET world, this should be a relatively simple concept for you to grasp.
Rubbernecking...If there is an accident on the side of the road and you slow down in order to take a look, it should be legal for a large mob to run your car off the road, pull you out of the vehicle, and stone you to death. Get the point? The only exception is if you are stopping to help. Otherwise, move on dammit.
Pacing Police Vehicles...I don't care if there is a cop next to you, don't pace the cop! First of all, they hate that. Second, they are probably laughing their sick, twisted asses off at all of the fish driving behind them afraid to pass them whether they go the speed limit or (5-9MPH above). This causes something I like to call "the idiot road block" which is detailed in the next paragraph.
"The Idiot Road Block"...Picture a four-lane freeway with one car in each lane driving at the same speed while parallel to each other making it impossible for traffic to flow beyond that horizontal line of cars. If you notice that you have become a part of an idiot road block, you should move and move quickly. If you feel like this is a non-issue when you notice it, please pull over and suicide yourself or prepare for your stoning (not the fun kind; the painful, Old Testament kind).
Racing to a Red Light...If you feel the need to drive 80MPH on a regular surface street just to pass 3 people, only to stop at a red light at the front of the line, please pull over and suicide yourself ASAP. Either that, or surrender your keys permanently. This will be a win-win situation for everyone, and it might save someone else the cost of a few bullets. You are probably already dead and you shouldn't bother even waking up in the morning. You'll be better off dead and so will the rest of us. Again, this especially applies to the Honda Civics, Mitsubishi Eclipses, and other "Fast and the Furious" dorks out there with the huge mufflers, spoilers, and race stickers. Which reminds me...Do you think that more stickers == more horsepower? How about “bigger spoiler == more torque?“ Just curious, because you guys remind me of perpetually dazed VB programmers trying to figure out databinding with the ADO Data Control against an Access database (or just using any other DTC). How can you possibly think that you have a fast car when you are running 16 to 60 second 1/4 mile time? But hey, it's your life and your car - enjoy. :-)
OK, I will stop at this point. I'm sure there will be more ranting to come regarding this issue. I know I've done a lot of picking on the "Fast and the Furious" crowd in this post, so let me close by discussing them briefly. If you are a "rice burner" who has put lots of money and effort into your car and it runs a fast 1/4 mile and looks slick, then I applaud you. I applaud you because the odds of that are very, very low. The number of rice burners that are slow with horrible looking bodies, lots of stickers, huge spoilers, and fart-can mufflers are several orders of magnitude greater than "good rice burners" (if there is such a thing). If you are a typical ricer and you're offended, I don't care. I think it is funny when I see you people flooring it when a stop light turns green and listening to all of the noise your huge muffler pipe makes while your crappy car slowly crawls away into the intersection and at the same time some old lady in an SUV has left you eating her dust and is now a block away from you. How do you explain this to your imaginary girlfriend? Anyway, if you enjoy that kind of special-olympic street racing, I can meet you sometime at Firebird Raceway with my 67 Camaro w/ 502 big block (soon to be added new cam and double-pump carb) and we can race just for my amusement alone. Or if you own a ricer just for comedy purposes, I can race you in my Hyundai Accent and we can laugh together afterwards about our 20 second 1/4 mile times -- or celebrate it if you prefer; after all, I do have a sense of humor.
Thanks for playing.
